In an exclusive report, Pundit can reveal the true cause of the New Zealand cricket team's bizarre second innings collapse in the first test against India.

New Zealand Cricket has confirmed it is investigating the involvement of the entire Black Caps team in a "neknominate" drinking session. The incident is alleged to have taken place during the innings break following the completion of the Indian team's first innings in the Auckland test match.

While admitting that no-one in the team management had witnessed the players drinking, New Zealand Cricket spokesperson Tim O'Donnell said that there was strong circumstantial evidence that it had occured.

"I mean, the team scores over 500, then comes out again on a third day track that is flat as a pancake and struggled to make three figures", he said. "Just what do you think was going on in the dressing room?"

O'Donnell singled out the dismissal of captain Brendon McCullum as particularly suspicious.

"He walks out to bat with his team at 11/3, edges his second ball to slip and survives only because the fielder is hopeless, then three balls later runs himself out going for a second run against India's best fielder. Are you going to tell me those were the actions of a sober man?"

A source close to the players has confirmed to Pundit that the team management's concerns have substance.

"The boys came back in after getting Shami and first thing they did was check their phones. Dougie and Jesse had sent Muzzy and Stiffy videos from their session on Thursday, neknominating them to down a pint of voddy."

"When the rest of the boys saw this, they reckoned it would be funny to see how they'd go at the crease while pissed. So one thing led to another, and next thing you know ... carnage."

Team management confirmed that special precautions were taken overnight to ensure that the players would be able to perform at their peak on the fourth day.

"We're just a bit worried about Trent and Neil, to be honest," O'Donnell explained. "They've been asking lots of questions in the wake of Philip Seymour Hoffman's death, saying things like 'what do you reckon heroin's like?', and 'maybe it would be worth it for the rush.'"

"The last thing we need is for a couple of our pace bowlers to start off the day high as kites on smack."


[Updated: And nothing silences snarkiness like success - congratulations to the New Zealand team on a great victory.]

Comments (10)

by Raymond A Francis on February 09, 2014
Raymond A Francis

Satire now, is there no end to you Dunedin boys skills

Wonder who the Indian bookmakers are betting on, if the players will not take the game seriously, why should we

by Matthew Percival on February 09, 2014
Matthew Percival

It must be said on Day 4 the Black Caps started slow and got better as the day went on.

Sounds like Hangover symptoms to me.

Andrew, you might be on to something here.

by Ross on February 10, 2014

There's a much more plausible explanation - match fixing (nothwithstanding that [redacted] wasn't playing). :)

[Ed: I'm being horribly risk averse, I know, but the blogosphere is not immune to the laws on defamation.]

by mandy jane on February 10, 2014
mandy jane

The NZ cricket team is a bunch of talented no-hopers.  They are accountable to no-one but their own appetites for self-indulgence.

Occasional they win something.  Against the odds they stack against themselves.

NZ cricket fans are intestinally sick of them.  Hardly anyone bothers to watch them.

One of their problems is that they don't have to work for their money.  They get rewarded for just being.  Win or lose.  But the new ICC structure may change that.  If India, England, and Australia have any sense they will choose not to bother playing them.  That will mean less money for Cricket NZ, a probable drive to improve performance (in order to ehance the money), and less tolerance for slackers or outright dimwits like Jesse Ryder.



by MJ on February 10, 2014

Gee you get some misery guts on here.

I must have a reality delusion- here's me thinking Ross Taylor's been scoring runs for fun, Williamson is more consistent than a metronome and more prolific than umm...someone who is really prolific, McCullum has just scored a truly great captains knock from 30/3 to over 500, we've won a one day series 4-0 against a team 5 or 6 places above us, and now a test. 

All I need now is for Sodhi to get a 5 for to complement the pace attack and the openers to refind their form and man, will I be one unbelievably happy camper.

by Andrew Geddis on February 11, 2014
Andrew Geddis


Yes ... but we've been hurt so many times before ... .

by Ross on February 11, 2014

[the blogosphere is not immune to the laws on defamation.]

Even when satire's involved?

by mandy jane on February 11, 2014
mandy jane


Not arguing about this wee purple patch. But there is something fundamentally wrong about how NZ cricket is structured/managed/coached.  Bond, at least, is giving some consistency to the bowling.  But the batsmen are a fragile, dtstracted bunch who go from 503 in one innings to 105 in the next.  Mentally they're all over the shop.

by MJ on February 11, 2014

none more than me man ... (well probably, but it just feels that way), that's why I'm loving this...

I believe the trend line of NZ's batting is good? All in the top 6 have recent-ish centuries to their name and Watling has scored good runs. 

Surely it is time for anyone from Dunedin to be celebrating the captain, coach, Rudders, McClenaghan, Nathan Mac et al?

Mandy I'll concede it was the worst win over India at Eden Park I have seen while we were we were ranked 8th and they were ranked 2nd, where a spinner took no wickets, we had a centurion, a double centurion and our 3 seamers completely filled their boots. Of those games that fill those criteria I would mark it the lowest most abysmal of those games that I have seen.

by mandy jane on February 15, 2014
mandy jane

Any psychiatrist would tell you the NZ cricket is clinically bi-polar.

A mental luxury afforded to it by the comfortable financial relationship it has with the ICC.

Look at the shambles the Black Caps are making of the 2nd Test.  "Hey, we did enough in the 1st Test.  Time to take it easy".

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