Nerds are funny. Not just in a Revenge of the Nerds type of way, of course.

Okay - following on from my previous list of jokes, here's another 25 highly cerebal examples of humour that I've once again shamelessly stolen from the Independent. However, in my defence, they in turn stole them from individual commentators. Who probably stole them from someone else. And, in turn, you'll steal them from here.

So ... enjoy (or wince) at the ones you get, and just pretend in relation to the ones you don't.

  • What’s the difference between an etymologist, and an entomologist? An etymologist knows the difference.
  • A biochemist walks into a student bar and says to the barman: “I’d like a pint of adenosine triphosphate, please.” “Certainly,” says the barman, “that’ll be ATP.”
  • How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the light bulb has to want to change.
  • Why do Marx and Engels drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
  • A layman, a scientist and a mathematician are driving through Wales when they spot a black sheep on a hillside. The layman says: “How fascinating. The sheep in Wales are black.” The scientist says: “No. There is one sheep in Wales which is black.” The mathematician sighs and rolls his eyes. “I beg to differ. There is one sheep in Wales, one side of which is black.”
  • What did the proton say to the ever-grumpy electron? “Why do you have to be so negative all the time?”
  • Two atoms are walking down the street. One atom says to the other: “Hey! I think I lost an electron!” The other says: “Are you sure?” “Yes, I’m positive!”
  • Why are quantum physicists terrible in bed? Because when they find the position, they can’t find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can’t find the position.
  • Two behaviourists meet in the street. One says to the other: “You’re OK. How am I?”
  • The masochist said to the sadist “hit me” and the sadist said “no”.
  • The science teacher took a drink, but now he drinks no more. For what he thought was H2O was H2SO4.
  • What did the Nihilist Borg Say? “Existence is Futile.”
  • A woman comes home to find her string theorist husband in bed with another woman. “But honey,” he says, “I can explain everything!”
  • Why didn’t the quantum particle cross the road? He was already on both sides.
  • Why is it so difficult to explain bad puns to kleptomaniacs? Because they always take things so literally.
  • How many people of a certain demographic does it take to perform a specified task? It takes a finite number: one person to perform the task and an additional number to act in a manner stereotypical of the group to which they belong.
  • How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? It takes two, one to screw in the lightbulb, and one to hold the peni-, fathe-, LADDER!
  • Schroedinger’s cat walks into a bar. And it doesn’t.
  • What is the longest song in the world? Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.
  • Two cats are sitting on a roof. Which one slips off? The one with the smallest mu.
  • Why did the inverse function cross the road? To get to the same side.
  • How does a mathematician determine the shortest fence to include a herd of cattle? He draws a fence around his feet and declares “I’m outside the fence”.
  • Descartes walks into a bar. “Beer?” asks the barman. “I think not” replies Rene, who disappears.
  • Stefan Banach and Alfred Tarski go into a pub. They order one half between them and get two pints – (the barman believed in the axiom of choice). “That’ll be £5”, says the barman. They give him 1p and he puts £5 in the till.
  • What’s a good anagram of “Banach-Tarski”? “Banach-Tarski Banach-Tarski”.
  • A Higgs boson walks into a church. The priest says, “Get out, you blasphemer. How dare you call yourself the ‘God particle’?” The Higgs boson replies: “But I make up the mass.”
  • What do you get if you cross a zebra with a banana? Zebra banana sine theta.
  • How many Microsoft designers does it take to change a lightbulb? None – they just define darkness as “industry standard”.

Comments (5)

by Jane Beezle on July 13, 2013
Jane Beezle

Here's one for 78.5% of Pundits:

Q: How do you drown a hipster?
A: In the mainstream.

by Scott Chris on July 14, 2013
Scott Chris

Three engineers and three law professors are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three law professors each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a law professor. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The law professors take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The law professors see this and agree  it's quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the law professors decide to copy the engineers on the return trip. When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one perplexed law professor. "Watch and you'll see" replies an engineer.

When they board the train the three law professors cram into a toilet and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the toilet where the law professors are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

by Ross on July 16, 2013
Ross

Scott, you seem to be suggesting that law professors are, um, a little thick. :)

by Ross on July 16, 2013
Ross

A virus walks into a bar. The barman says "We don't serve viruses". The virus consumes the barman and says "Now we do".

An infectious disease walks in a bar. The barman says "We don't serve infectious diseases". The infectious disease says "You'r'e not a good host".

Two bacteria walk into a bar. The barman says "We don't serve bacteria". The bacteria reply: "But we work here; we're staph".

 

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