Time for a little light relief, methinks. Memorise these jokes, and you'll be the toast of the next dinner party you attend.

OK - we've all been a wee bit too serious, what with all the very intense talk about politics and the like. So, courtesy of the UK Independent, time for some yuks. And, what's better, they are smart yuks, so we can feel comfortably smug about ourselves when we "get it".

1. A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: “No, I’m travelling light.”

2. “Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?”

3. What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing? Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

4. A TCP packet walks into a bar, and says to the barman: “Hello, I’d like a beer.” The barman replies: “Hello, you’d like a beer?” “Yes,” replies the TCP packet, “I’d like a beer.”

5. An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over. The policeman says: “Sir, do you realise you were travelling at 130km per hour?” The electron goes: “Oh great, now I’m lost.”

6. Pavlov is enjoying a pint in the pub. The phone rings. He jumps up and shouts: “Hell, I forgot to feed the dog!”

7. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish.

8. There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don’t.

9. When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg.

10. The barman says: “We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here.” A tachyon enters a bar.

11. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says: “Make me one with everything”.

12. What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.

13. An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are walking down the street together. A juggler is performing on the street but there are so many people that the four men can’t see the juggler. So the juggler goes on top of a platform and asks: “Can you see me now?” The four men answer: “Yes.” “Oui.” “Si.” “Ja.”

14. Never trust an atom. They make up everything.

15. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it’s a hardware problem.

16. A student travelling on a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting  next to him. Excited, he asks:  “Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?”

17. Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.

18. Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says: “Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?” Gödel replies: “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says: “Of course it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong.”

19. A Roman walks into a bar,  holds up two fingers, and says:  “Five beers, please.”

20. Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.

21. An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The bartender says: “What’ll it be, boys?” The first mathematician: “I’ll have one half of a beer.” The second mathematician: “I’ll have one quarter of a beer.” The third mathematician: “I’ll have one eight of a beer.” The fourth mathematician: “I’ll have one sixteenth of a…” The bartender interrupts: “Know your limits, boys” as he pours out a single beer.

22. What does the “B” in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for? Answer: Benoit B Mandelbrot.

23. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French café, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress: “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies: “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”

24. A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?” The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?”

25. A programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.” The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

Comments (9)

by John Fouhy on July 06, 2013
John Fouhy

I thought your tcp joke was a bit weak. I prefer udp jokes because I don't care if anyone gets them. 

by Scott Chris on July 06, 2013
Scott Chris

Heh, some good ones there.

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

by Scott Chris on July 06, 2013
Scott Chris

11. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says: “Make me one with everything”.

The hot dog vendor hands over the sausage and bun with all the trimmings, and the Buddhist hands over a twenty. The vendor pockets it. The Buddhist asks, "Where's my change?" and the vendor replies, "Change must come from within."

The Buddhist then reaches into his robe and produces a gun which he points at the vendor. "Whoa, man, where did that come from?" he exclaims. The Buddhist replies, "This is my inner piece."

by william blake on July 08, 2013
william blake

Q: How does a butcher introduce his wife?

A: Meet Patty.

by Bruce Thorpe on July 09, 2013
Bruce Thorpe

A blonde walked into bar and asked foir a double entendre, so the barman gave her one.

by Ross on July 09, 2013
Ross

A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says: “Make me one with everything”.

Whatever you do, never tell that joke to the Dalai Lama.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xlIrI80og8c

by Jane Beezle on July 12, 2013
Jane Beezle

Me like.

I was trying to explain puns to my kleptomaniac friend recently, but he kept taking things literally.

by Mike Osborne on July 14, 2013
Mike Osborne

Campanology? That rings a bell.

by Jedmo on July 15, 2013
Jedmo

To be is to do - Socrates

To do is to be - Sartre

Do be do be do - Sinatra

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